We all know it’s been hard to do our art practice during alert level 4 at home. But for me, it’s hard even in alert level 1 in studio. For me, the sudden loud noises, all the people moving around, the textures, the lighting, the information being fed at me are all very overwhelming and overstimulating. For most, you wouldn’t even notice the noise of the overhead lighting making a buzzing noise or the fact that the texture of plaster is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen, let alone touched in my entire life. No. Most of the people in my studio are neurotypicals who don’t find issues within our art practice space. They don’t find it difficult, let alone have it hinder their ability to make, create and flourish in the studio.
I have to wear my noise-canceling headphones, avoid certain briefs and places in the building due to noise or textures, which then causes me to not be able to achieve what others are. It’s not like I don’t want to participate in the art practice or not use the tools provided, no. I really want to, but my brain screams at me no. I panic, have been physically sick, have meltdowns, and get overstimulated. When I get like this I am not able to function, let alone continue my art practice.
This is something I have to deal with every day, not just in the studio, but the thing is, it never gets any easier when people in our studio are staring at me with disgust and confusion. Commenting on my tics or leaving the classroom, or in a specific example, having my friend have to lead me through the studio because I can’t look at the space covered in plaster. Holding my hand leading to what I believe is safety.
Even not just in the practical creating space of the studio, but also in what I can present and what I do present. I don’t feel comfortable and supported by the entire degree on what I can share with my ideas and create them because of the commentary and looks I would get from doing so. For example, I wanted to include a “performance piece” on what it’s like for me to do the dishes for my in praise of laziness blog post. But, the thing is I would most likely make vocal and physical tics in that footage, and the fact that everyone in our year can view these blogs makes me uncomfortable that they would be able to view that.
It makes it harder to engage within the briefs with my difficulties and the feedback in the way of stares and comments from my peers to reach my full potential in this degree. And quite frankly, that makes me really sad. I wanted to be able to express myself in my art practice, but I can’t to my full extent.
Finally, I wanted to ask myself, how does ableism impact people’s personal ideas around laziness? Well, as I had pointed out in my in praise of laziness blog post, people are taught that neurodivergent people are lazy because we cannot do the tasks that society deems normal sometimes. For example, some of my peers may have thought I was lazy due to my sculpture brief outcome not using any plaster or strong matter as everyone else did. I couldn’t use the plaster because of textural issues, and I couldn’t use big bits of metal due to the noise of the machines needed to manipulate them. So, I resorted to video and leaves. That could be seen as lazy to others, and not wanting to participate. But I did, I wanted to participate, I wanted to achieve what I could, and I tried to, I was just unable due to my neurological differences to the others in my class. Having ADHD and Autism does hinder my ability to contribute and achieve sometimes, and for that, I’m sorry to my classmates and teachers, but I’m doing the best I can. But others need to see that too. Because I’m trying as hard, if not harder to complete the briefs.
Ableism impacts their personal ideas around laziness because they believe that neurodivergent people just aren’t trying and are stereotypically “lazy.” So to them, if they know you’re on the spectrum or have some other neurological difference, they just assume you’re lazy because you sometimes aren’t able to do what they can. And it’s got nothing to do with how much you do or don’t want to do something, it’s solely if you’re mentally and physically able to.
Below are my noise-cancelling headphones and my bowl of stim toys I use to help me with my difficulties.
