Author: Autumn

Throughout this brief I’ve made quite a bit of art, the ones I found most interesting are these 3: Snapchat Food Diaries, Sequence of Eating, and Receipts: documentation of my kai purchases.

The first work I’m going to reflect on is my Snapchat Food Diaries A3 final image of all the individual images compacted together into one work. I found this work to be my favourite because of how proud I felt looking back at the final work of all the images collated into this A3 setting. Seeing all the different times I’ve eaten throughout this brief made me feel pride, and it was one of the first times I felt this properly towards my kai journey in a long time. What felt even better was seeing that I still had images left I could have added to this to show I had eaten more, but from an artistic side, I wanted to keep the images this size. But the fact I had even more than what I’ve shown just made me so happy and proud of myself. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling. I also just really like the rows of images all together to compile as one image. I’ve never done that before as I used to just do at most one row of images as a sequence as I did for one of my other blogs. It got me thinking about how I can maybe incorporate the idea of collecting my images into one bigger work as a tool in my future art practice.

The sequence of Eating is the second work I’m reflecting on. I’m reflecting on it because I was interested in how I had emotions and thoughts about the idea of setting up the actual photos, creating an in-home studio by shutting off my lights and flashing a torch at it as this was my brain’s way of telling me this is how photography is supposed to be done. At that point my brain was still wired to think of my own photography practice as the way it was taught to me in high school: clean, crisp, studio lighting, precise setup, etc. Afterward though reflecting on it now, after having done more relaxed as you could call it art practice with my other images I find it really interesting the contrast between my thinking for that. But also, how the image here still has just as much meaning, just as much emotion behind it as my less polished looking images do. Throughout eating this kai I had so much going through my mind like I have reflected on previously in other blog posts, and I didn’t think I would. I always do but I didn’t think I would be able to recognize that whilst I was focussing on my photography set up and taking the pictures. It’s actually helped me in my outside life from the brief to recognize the feelings I had during this shoot, and that’s another reason I find this sequence interesting.

The last reflection I have is on Receipts: documentation of my kai purchases. I’ve chosen this to reflect on because it isn’t specifically looking at food and is on one of my different lanes/ideas I looked at in this brief that still had a tie to food but wasn’t directly that. I found it interesting when looking at the actual receipts that I did have safe foods that I would buy every time I went to the supermarket that I didn’t even know I did that. Compared to, I found interesting the stand out items of bleach for example to be such an eye grabber for everyone. The checkout cashier, giving me a look of, “oh hun,” or all my friends and whānau being concerned about my mental health all because of an item on a receipt? I also found liked how I continued with the Snapchat tool to then highlight the “odd items out”, creating a crafty feel to it. Like someone, you would just send to a mate. And I’ve found with this image, and my art practice in general during this brief is that I quite enjoy that. I enjoy producing artwork that has so much meaning behind it but is, at its core, simple. This image and my use of Snapchat has inspired me to let my future work be more about the thought behind it rather than making the image look perfect.

Natasha Matila-Smith is the last artist I looked at during my brief. I found her work ‘I Think You Like Me But I’ve Been Wrong About These Things Before’ on the Artspace website and immediately was interested in the ideas surrounding their exhibition.

Natasha examines states of sadness and despair as a consequence of the failure to achieve self-fulfillment. And for me, this stood out from all the other exhibitions I looked through. Mainly, because whilst in this brief I was struggling with achieving self-fulfillment and was also taking a look at my own sadness as a consequence of that. Especially in lockdown alert level 4 with having no contact with anyone because I live alone. Not reaching that self-fulfillment needs of social interaction, or even just being able to achieve self-fulfillment through enjoying things because I was so focused on my university and outside uni curricular, volunteering, and mahi to achieve the joy I needed.

I also thought that their idea of that also tied into my own art practice with my Snapchat images. The sadness of not being able to achieve the self-fulfillment I got from keeping up with my eating posts/images reminded me of their examination of their sadness and despair. If I missed days of not eating and then consequently not posting an image of that I’d feel really down about it, and or if I was super late posting/eating that day. As seen in the image before in my caption.

For my second artist, I looked at Yoyoi Kasumi as they were my favourite growing up throughout high school due to one of their exhibits that has been running since the year I was born, all the way in 2002. The exhibit was/is The Obliteration Room. It’s an interactive and family-friendly gallery practice that lets the audience/viewer be active in the creation of the art itself. With a sheet of colourful stickers for each person who enters the plain white room, the room slowly fills head to toe in bright, saturated circles. I went visited and took part in this exhibit when it was showing in Auckland Art Gallery Toi O Tāmaki in 2018 and the joy and inspiration I got from that has stuck with me and my own art practice to this day.

The inspiration I got from the exhibit wasn’t the actual content of the art, but the way in which people got to interact with it. That’s what I want with my future art practice and when I will begin to show my work, I want the same level of excitement, family-friendly, fun participation that makes for an interesting art outcome but also just an interesting experience. When I went through Yoyoi’s obliteration room, my friends and I were laughing at each other trying to see who could jump the highest to put their dots, or finding the best place to put them, or even sticking them on our noses. I want the audience’s same level of interaction and energy/feelings when interacting with my future work.

Here’s a photo I took of my friend back in 2018 of the sticker on her nose, and a timelapse of the obliteration room being covered in the sticker dots uploaded by Auckland Art Gallery Toi O Tāmaki: https://youtu.be/gbNElQKqXgc

Jade Townsend is an artist I looked at. They did this work last year called Panic Buy that talked about people’s panic buying during the covid-19 pandemic. I found the tools used to create their work interesting and thought it related to my own art practice as we both used what was around us at home. Since I’ve been stuck in my one-roomed flat and only had my cardboard boxes/packaging my kai has been coming in, and they used the packaging that they were getting their kai and items in from the supermarket from their shopping anyways.

I also thought that their rough and unpolished look to their work was interesting as mine also reflects that due to the tools I worked with. I’ve always been taught growing up going to a private school that the art that I produce must look perfect, clean, and polished. Which I now know isn’t the case. Using snapchat and cardboard boxes as some of my tools relates to the crafty way in which Jade’s was made.

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We all know it’s been hard to do our art practice during alert level 4 at home. But for me, it’s hard even in alert level 1 in studio. For me, the sudden loud noises, all the people moving around, the textures, the lighting, the information being fed at me are all very overwhelming and overstimulating. For most, you wouldn’t even notice the noise of the overhead lighting making a buzzing noise or the fact that the texture of plaster is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen, let alone touched in my entire life. No. Most of the people in my studio are neurotypicals who don’t find issues within our art practice space. They don’t find it difficult, let alone have it hinder their ability to make, create and flourish in the studio.

I have to wear my noise-canceling headphones, avoid certain briefs and places in the building due to noise or textures, which then causes me to not be able to achieve what others are. It’s not like I don’t want to participate in the art practice or not use the tools provided, no. I really want to, but my brain screams at me no. I panic, have been physically sick, have meltdowns, and get overstimulated. When I get like this I am not able to function, let alone continue my art practice.

This is something I have to deal with every day, not just in the studio, but the thing is, it never gets any easier when people in our studio are staring at me with disgust and confusion. Commenting on my tics or leaving the classroom, or in a specific example, having my friend have to lead me through the studio because I can’t look at the space covered in plaster. Holding my hand leading to what I believe is safety.

Even not just in the practical creating space of the studio, but also in what I can present and what I do present. I don’t feel comfortable and supported by the entire degree on what I can share with my ideas and create them because of the commentary and looks I would get from doing so. For example, I wanted to include a “performance piece” on what it’s like for me to do the dishes for my in praise of laziness blog post. But, the thing is I would most likely make vocal and physical tics in that footage, and the fact that everyone in our year can view these blogs makes me uncomfortable that they would be able to view that.

It makes it harder to engage within the briefs with my difficulties and the feedback in the way of stares and comments from my peers to reach my full potential in this degree. And quite frankly, that makes me really sad. I wanted to be able to express myself in my art practice, but I can’t to my full extent.

Finally, I wanted to ask myself, how does ableism impact people’s personal ideas around laziness? Well, as I had pointed out in my in praise of laziness blog post, people are taught that neurodivergent people are lazy because we cannot do the tasks that society deems normal sometimes. For example, some of my peers may have thought I was lazy due to my sculpture brief outcome not using any plaster or strong matter as everyone else did. I couldn’t use the plaster because of textural issues, and I couldn’t use big bits of metal due to the noise of the machines needed to manipulate them. So, I resorted to video and leaves. That could be seen as lazy to others, and not wanting to participate. But I did, I wanted to participate, I wanted to achieve what I could, and I tried to, I was just unable due to my neurological differences to the others in my class. Having ADHD and Autism does hinder my ability to contribute and achieve sometimes, and for that, I’m sorry to my classmates and teachers, but I’m doing the best I can. But others need to see that too. Because I’m trying as hard, if not harder to complete the briefs.

Ableism impacts their personal ideas around laziness because they believe that neurodivergent people just aren’t trying and are stereotypically “lazy.” So to them, if they know you’re on the spectrum or have some other neurological difference, they just assume you’re lazy because you sometimes aren’t able to do what they can. And it’s got nothing to do with how much you do or don’t want to do something, it’s solely if you’re mentally and physically able to.

Below are my noise-cancelling headphones and my bowl of stim toys I use to help me with my difficulties.

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Well, what is laziness? The unwillingness to work or use energy? A negative thing? Well, that’s what I got taught it was growing up. I don’t believe in that anymore, even if I feel like that’s how I feel when I do feel lazy. But to me, even in my times of feeling negative about what laziness is from growing up with negative influence surrounding it, I believe that it’s just taking things at your own time, when you’re in a good mental state, doing things a smarter and easier way, the most helpful to yourself physically or mentally at that point. Whether for reasons of being overstimulated, overwhelmed, injured, emotionally drained, or just not feeling up to doing the “non-lazy way.” I think laziness isn’t and shouldn’t be seen as a negative thing, but instead, be seen as a neutral thing, and even, something that can be positive.

To me, it looks like not doing my dishes, that’s the most common form of laziness for me anyways. This is because I cannot stand the textures of cleaning the dishes or the sounds of the clanging of them. So, I leave the dishes in the sink until I have none left to use and am forced to wash them. Most people would call leaving my dishes in the sink lazy, but for me, it’s a mental thing, it’s not like I don’t have the motivation to do the dishes, it’s that I physically cannot stand doing them, and mentally it’s horrible, so I leave them until I have to. Others also do this or maybe it’s not making your bed or doing your laundry. But the thing is, it’s not “lazy” to not do so regularly, it just depends on your mental health, in my opinion anyway. For example, I know myself, my whānau, and my friends all can do our house cleaning and chores when we feel mentally alright or have a burst of dopamine. But when we don’t, we will get the job done.

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Above are images I took of my laziness

But one thing is, how can we get past the idea of laziness and speak to difficulties of emotional spaces and ableism? Because I know at least for me, the majority of the time I’m called lazy is when I’m in a bad emotional space or am unable to do something due to my ADHD or Autism, which to others is “unacceptable and ridiculous.” Society has deemed neurodivergent behaviour and traits as lazy, and we should get past this, I mean it is almost 2022 at this point, so it’s ridiculous people are still ableist nowadays. I think if school’s taught about neurodivergent people, traits and how to help and support/understand them that people could at least have a more positive outlook on us. Maybe even start to see that we’re not being lazy, we’re trying out hardest to complete tasks that neurotypicals can do easily every day. Along with that, teaching that laziness isn’t a negative thing. That it’s purely just an adjective that we get taught for some reason is bad by our p.e teachers, parents and social media from a young age. If we flip it to being a more neutral or positive idea then it would help as well. Also raising awareness and making emotional distress/being mentally drained a more societal approved thing rather than seeing as a bad thing. Learning about how being in a bad emotional state can affect your ableness to do simple tasks.

I turned 19 in level 4 lockdown, and regardless of the lockdown, celebrating my birthday is labour in itself. Lockdown just made it even more so. I don’t find joy in my birthday but others do so I take part in it and thought that it would make my friends and whānau happy to see me taking part in it during level 4. Thus I went out to my local park and sat there with my tiny cake and my candles, I placed the flowers my partner had given me on top and documented it.

Whilst it looks nice (which was the point to please everyone else), I felt miserable on this day, taking this image. My birthday is a day in which I have a ton of emotional baggage I have to hold and for me, that’s labour. I always am on the edge of my seat stressed out, and I was in this moment even more so surrounded by people not wearing masks or social distancing. But, it was definitely better than celebrating on my bathroom floor. (The only place I could light candles where the fire alarm doesn’t go off.)

Here are the candles and the cake that I had purchased that are shown on my recepits from previous blog posts. Also, the flowers my partner had picked for me to try and lighten the day a bit, take less of the labour out of celebrating my birthday.

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As I had shown I did dye, bleach, and cut my own hair during this brief, during alert level 4. Stereotypically this shows that I’ve had a ‘breakdown.’ People assume that if you change your hair, D.I.Y it that you’re going through a mental breakdown. And yes, I am going through a hard time and was going through one, but I did not tell my friends and whānau that. Yet there they were, lining up to ask me about my mental state because of my hair change.

Society has determined that mentally unstable people have colourful hair and or bangs you did yourself, and more specifically, colourful hair and or bangs you did yourself that you did crying in your bathroom at 2 am. For some reason, we have decided that, and for some reason, it’s just accepted.

For example, when I was looking for places to buy hair bleach I found it available during alert level 4, where only essential items are allowed to be purchased, to be ready to buy at every store I went to online. An essential item? Why, because people’s mental health decreases during lockdowns and they’re more prone to having a breakdown? Because that seems to be the case.

Another is when I was walking out of my accommodation and the receptionist goes, “oh, you’re at THAT part of lockdown are you?” As if assuming I’ve broken down and resorted to changing my appearance for a slice of happiness and serotonin during this horrible time. My hair change was partly due to feeling down sure, but to assume that made me feel horrible.

I highlighted the items I had bought on my receipt previously to indicate differences in my routine purchases, but it was also highlighted because to some, it also highlighted that I was having a breakdown. I found that both insulting but at the same time interesting, so I decided to add it to my circled items along with my birthday candles and cake.

I decided that I would document the receipts I have in my possession. I decided I wanted to take photos of these because of how long, and to a point heavy they look. Because that’s how it feels for me buying kai. Especially when going into the actual physical supermarket to go and get my groceries.

I also have the routine items I always get that I thought would be interesting to see as well. For example, I always grab a pouch of parmesan, or I will try and get myself some form of pancakes or waffles. On the other hand, I thought it would be interesting to see and highlight items that were an outlander on my purchases. During this brief I’ve bleached and dyed my hair and also given myself a haircut, this is evident on one of my receipts where I circle the items I purchased to complete this. I also had my 19th birthday in this brief, so I highlighted the candles and cake that I had bought myself since it was during alert level 4.

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I edited the images into black and white and messed around with the clarity and texture on Adobe Lightroom but then decided to continue with the tool and idea of using Snapchat to then circle and outline the specific items I had mentioned with the pen tool.

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I wanted to look at receipts as well to also go back as a kind of accountability on my journey of eating. To hold myself responsible for eating by seeing I spent money on the items and also to show my friends and whānau my receipts so they know I have enough kai to sustain myself.

Living in my AUT Unilodge accommodation during Alert Level 4 I’ve been receiving boxes of kai every few days. I find this to be a labour in both the staff who are dropping and preparing the boxes to my door, but also me having to unbox them and be faced with so much food and drinks. The mental labour of being faced with all of this is really draining emotionally and mentally. That itself is labour to me.

I decided to take photos of not the kai itself as I had previously done, but to take photos of the boxes and bags that held it. I thought that it would be a more interesting subject matter to take images.

I don’t really want to continue with this idea but I thought that it was a good idea to include in my labour journey in this brief, exploring different views and subject matter on my topic.

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